THE KID'S REVIEW OF:
ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID (2004)

OPENING THOUGHTS

    What can I say? I guess I was the only one who was counting down the days to the release of this film. What's that? Oh, it came out almost 2 years ago? Well damn. All I know is that the marvelous Anaconda, starring J. Lo, Jon Voight and Ice Cube, is one movie that needed a sequel if their ever was one.

ACTING

    JOHNNY MESSNER plays the lame ass but handsome hero who knows a lot about a lot of things. Not enough to stay away from stupid things like a den full of giant man eating snakes but just enough to know about their diet and habitat and what could kill them. He's a complete hack of an actor who loves to do shitty TV Pilots and even more shitty movie sequels. He can kiss my ass.
    KADEE STRICKLAND plays the level headed team member who, in addition to being hot, is also a world renowned scientist.Too bad she couldn't bring anything worth while to this already growing mound of shit. With a lack of believability and even less chemistry with everyone in the film, I found myself routing for the shitty CGI snake.
    MATTHEW MARSDEN is an import from England and for all I care they can keep him. His contribution to society is craptastic TV shows and handful of piss poor movies. In this particular piss poor movie he plays the shifty leader of the crew who turns out to betray them all just for wealth. Don't worry, I didn't give anything away... if you couldn't see it from the beginning then you deserve to burn at the stake along with this son of bitch. They do still do that in England, right? No? Well fuck... call him a witch or something, they still hate witches, right? NO?! FUCK!

DIRECTION AND SCRIPT

    DWIGHT LITTLE has done some pretty decent stuff. From TV shows like The X-Files, The Practice and 24 to films including Deep Blue and Free Willy 2... scratch those last two. Anyway, the point is that with this guy having done some of those other projects I kind of thought that this movie would have had a little touch of goodness in it. I couldn't have been more wrong. Lame action, surface only acting, not a shred of tension or suspense, it was all just so poorly done that I don't know where to start.
    JOHN CLAFLIN, DANIEL ZELMAN, MICHAEL MINER, ED NEUMEIER are all responsible for this steaming pile of snake shit. I'm seriously having one hell of time wrapping my mind around the fact that it took 4 fully developed (I'm guessing) adults to whip up this by the numbers script. There really is no reason you could give me that would make me understand why it was necessary for all these hacks to be responsible for such an armature attempt. Well... if you told me that they were Siamese Quadruplets attached at the head and shared ¼ of a brain and they all had to write this, then I would believe it.

THE VERDICT

    This was one of the more excruciating films I've had to watch but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to do for you, the fans, the public. Wait... are there any fans? Any public? Well, FUCK!! So I watched this shit for nothing!!!
 
 

RATING: D

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