HEFE'S REVIEW OF:
TROY

Rating: C +

    Lord almighty there was way to many bronzed male body parts in this movie. At one point I yelled out: "I swear I'm not enjoying this!" The weird part was that the only person in the room was fellow writer Mr. Sparkle who smiled eerily at me. I mean there were a lot of stars in this movie, but I think the focal point was there thighs and chests, and who was in charge of making them so oily? These questions I ask!

ACTING

    BRAD PITT did an excellent job as Achilles in this movie. His character was so laid back and confident at all times, even in battle. He was cocky, but he also knew how to love a woman, I guess what I liked was that I saw so much of myself in him. You see I'm the type of man that could destroy another man, and than sit down and discuss the ins and outs of a robust chardonnay. All I'm saying is that I think Brad Pitt could do the same.
    ERIC BANA could fight a lot better if when he got attacked he turned into a giant green computer animated monster and smash everyone. I saw him do it in Hulk, so I'm not sure why he held himself back here. All kidding aside, I really think that he did  good job in this movie, and I am interested to see what he will do next.
    ORLANDO BLOOM did not do as well I am sad to say. Sorry ladies, but he seems to play the same character whether he is a pirate, a lord of the rings, or a Trojan prince. Oh well, at least his one character doesn't irritate the crap out of me, I just don't think he will be one of those actors who acts until the day he dies, and I really doubt he will ever get an Academy Award.

DIRECTION AND SCRIPT

    DAVID BENIOFF did a terrible job with this script. Although he remained true for the most part to the original story, the dialogue was awful. It was really trying to sound epic from the get go, and every time someone opened their mouths I found myself thinking: "Jesus, why the crap did he say it like that?" It was like listening to someone vomit terds, maybe a little less wet sounding, maybe.
    WOLFGANG PETERSEN actually did a pretty good job directing this movie. I think some of the strongest points in this movie was how good everything looked, and how well the action scenes were done. This movie would have been a whole lot better if there were more action scenes and less slow crappy dialogue driven scenes staring a variety of male thighs. The one thing that really bothered me is why everyone in this movie had a different accent. I'm not exactly sure what a Grecian accent sounds like, but I think no accent would have been a better choice. I mean some people had a British accent, some American, some Scottish, and some were simply unidentifiable.

THE VERDICT

    If you can get through the ridiculous dialogue, strained accents, and unusual amount of tanned thighs, then what your left with is a pretty decent flick. Brad Pitt does an excellent job as usual, and Eric Bana was surprisingly good as well. If your in the mood for a Greek action movie, than I have to ask exactly what does that feel like, and tell you that this movie wouldn't be a bad choice.
 

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