HEFE'S REVIEW OF:
CLOSER

OPENING THOUGHTS

    This movie is nothing but high brow pornography, the type of shit that people smoking pipes sitting in leather sofas jerk off to all over the Sunday Edition of The New York Times. In case if you didn't know, this movie was based off of a play, and believe me, it showed. Read on if you feel like it so you can understand why, come on it will be fun, we can do it together!

ACTING

    JULIA ROBERTS or as I call her, horse-mouth was terrible in this movie. It's like every year she gets worse and worse, and her face gets bonier and bonier, and her mouth wider and wider. It will keep happening too, until you can't tell the difference between her and Mick Jagger. Anyway, if you like Julia Roberts your probably partial to cock in the mouth, which you know is cool for you because you will probably like this movie a lot more.
    JUDE LAW is just in so many movies, I mean for God sakes it feels like every fucking week I am writing a review on a new Jude Law movie, and I am getting fucking sick of this shit! He is nothing more than the Safeway Select version of Ewen McGregor, I have said it before and I will say it again, he isn't really that bad, but let's face it you could do a whole lot better.
    NATALIE PORTMAN was great in this movie, she was my second favorite person in this movie, she played a stripper who teased you with the fact that at any moment you might see a nipple fall out or see her vagina peeking out of a pair of crotch-less panties. But sadly, that never happened. So even though I was teased and let down, for some reason I am not mad like I usually am. I still thought she did a great job, and I still think she is beautiful. Champ, who also writes for this site says that he read on the internet that she is a party-slut who blows guys at Hollywood socials. I don't believe that though, but if I had to guess, I would say she has a big sexy mole on one of her chest-ticles, or breasts to the lay man. As good as she was in this movie though I think she should have been nominated for Garden State as Best Actress, rather then Best Supporting Actress for this movie, but at least she is getting noticed!
    CLIVE OWEN was surprisingly the best part of this movie. I have not really seen him in a lot of things, in fact off hand before this movie the only thing I can think of him being in was Croupier which I didn't even see. But he shows really good emotion and I really think this was a well deserved nomination from the Academy, and that is rare that I really agree with them it seems like. I will have my eye on you Clive Owen, I will be watching.

DIRECTION AND SCRIPT

    MIKE NICHOLS did a pretty good job directing this movie, I think he did a good job of capturing how dramatic and clever the script was trying to be. But my favorite thing about this movie was how time just sort of skipped forward without any kind of caption saying six months later, rather it was explained in the dialogue and that was all that was needed. It's interesting how a good director can make something like that work in this movie, but then a poor over-rated director like Michael Mann can screw the same concept up in Ali. With Ali I just stared at the screen with a confused and angered look as though my television had suddenly grown a massive pair of testicles.
    PATRICK MARBER adapted his own play to the screen, and I have to say I could really tell that this movie was a play first. I mean first of all there were several references to homosexuality, a dead giveaway, as well as this movie was moved forward entirely by dialogue, very little action was seen, and most scenes all took place in one room. Because of that I can't say I think that the film was adapted very well, when you see a play you expect there to be certain limitations because of the fact that it is live and you have to do everything on a small stage, but when I watch a movie I expect more, and I didn't get it and I am upset about it!

THE VERDICT

    If you make more than say $100,000 per year than I think you should really watch this movie so that you and the rest of your snobby friends can talk about how much this movie was like real life in the den of your huge house. While your doing that you can also write me a fucking check for a lot of money because I am fucking poor. Thanks!
 
 

RATING: C +

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