HEFE'S REVIEW OF:
ALFIE (2004)

OPENING THOUGHTS

    Well it was getting dangerously close to the end of the week and I haven't reviewed a Jude Law movie yet, so I figured I that I should probably get on that so that I don't disappoint anyone the way Jude Law disappoints me.

ACTING

    JUDE LAW was another cocky piece of shit in this movie, who apparently as a Brit has no need to comb his hair. Well guess what you swashbuckling faggot, you need to comb your hair, or I don't know what. But I do know this, I don't like Jude Law with combed hair, but I hate him with on purpose un-neatness, what a bitch.
    MARISA TOMEI sweet Marisa Tomei, this is the second movie this week that I have watched that you have been in. The other was Anger Management, and I think that she did a better job in that movie then this one. Her performance was however, severely limited by almost no screen time. You know what, I would never cheat on a woman, especially one like Marisa Tomei, what a bad story.
    SUSAN SARANDON, or as I call her Grandma Saggy Sacks, was really old in this movie. I agree with G Baby that she got dangerously close to being naked, and there really is no reason for that to happen ever. She is just so old and disgusting, I actually lost feeling in my dick for 5 whole minutes, I think it was legally dead. I don't know why old naked woman are appearing in movies and it is being hailed as art, there are so many firm and supple young ladies out there. Oh man, oh man, oh man I can't even tell you how unhappy this made me...

DIRECTION AND SCRIPT

    ELAINE POPE and CHARLES SHYER made a movie that was for all intents and purposes a waste of time. By the end of the movie nothing changes, and you are left with disappointed feeling. I hate that this movie is nothing but a big stereotype that really doesn't exist in the same way anymore. I think everyone gets that men don't want to commit, and that women want to have babies, it has been pounded into me since birth, but I just don't agree with it. You know I have yet to have a girlfriend who wanted to commit, it's usually the other way around. See woman want to find a guy that is the opposite of what they say they want, because secretly they are attracted to that, then they want to change the man into something they aren't, because that kind of shitty chaos is the only thing that makes sense to them. I am not bitter.
    CHARLES SHYER is a bad director and a bad screenwriter, I hate when the main character talks to the camera, it never comes across as witty, and it doesn't make me feel like I am a friend of the main character's and I get a front row seat to his life, it makes me feel like they had a weak story line and used voice overs to fill in story gaps and make time go by. I think the screenwriter in Adaptation said it best when he said: "God help you if you use voice over my friends."

THE VERDICT

    If you are a big fan of British wannabees who can't even comb their hair, then this movie is probably right up your alley. If you're not a fan of movies like that, and you have no desire to get cleavage shots of a rusty old nail of a woman then skip this movie. Go watch something cleansing, with healthy nudity, like American Pie.
 
 

RATING: D +

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