HEFE'S REVIEW OF:
ABOUT SCHMIDT (2002)

OPENING THOUGHTS

    I vaguely remembered seeing this movie when it came out and I remember thinking it was about as boring as a movie could possibly be. I will also have the horrible image of Kathy Bates naked old fat body burned into my brain for the rest of my days thanks to this film. So you might ask yourself why I would put myself through this nonsense all over again, and that would be a fair question. The reason for watching this again is simple, it was nominated for Oscars, and for some stupid fucking reason I own this on DVD. So without further ado, my review.

ACTING

    JACK NICHOLSON was actually really good in this movie. A fact that was overshadowed in my mind by those droopy sad sacks that pass for Kathy Bates titties. Nicholson plays a depressed middle aged man so well that, I in fact began to feel depressed just watching him. It's amazing that a guy who spends 95% of his day wearing sunglasses and smirking with that cartoon mouth of his could play a part like this so well. I guess that is probably why people think he is a good actor, that and his huge balls.
    DERMOT MULRONEY usually plays a love interest in romantic comedies, and he is always very prim and proper. In fact I think he looks uncomfortable being American, almost like he would have been better of being British. This is why I was absolutely shocked when he showed up in this movie sporting a pony-tail and playing a hick waterbed salesman. My mind was even further blown when he actually did a good job, it was actually kind of similar to the white-trash character in Office Space, not quite as good, but still impressive work for a guy I had pegged as a one-dimensional square.
    KATHY BATES almost did a good job... that is until she ruined my life. Why anyone thought it would be a good idea to have her strip down for this movie is beyond me, and why she didn't have the good sense, or at least the shame to be able to say no is completely beyond me. I can honestly say I can't remember anything about her performance other than that horror show that makes up her body. Don't get me wrong she isn't deformed or anything, but it is like seeing an old relative naked, it is just freaky and disturbing. I want to say this is the last time I will talk about it, but I am willing to bet I am going to mention it again before this review is up. I would also like to say that this is the last time I will ever see her naked, but I know I am going to have nightmares that involve the image for years to come. Damn you Kathy Bates... damn you.

DIRECTION AND SCRIPT

    ALEXANDER PAYNE and JIM TAYLOR wrote this movie as a team, however Payne took on the job of directing as a solo mission. What can I say about this film? I know with certainty it was slow as shit, but the rest needs more thought. First off I think I enjoyed the story a lot more than I did when I had first watched this film, and I think that has a lot more to do with my personal life experiences. It's weird movies like this and Lost In Translation didn't really connect with me before I had a family and the weight of responsibilities, and now that I do, it's like I  can understand the feelings of the main character a bit more. That being said, I really have to go back to my previous point which is that this movie has some unbearable pacing issues. I know it would not make sense to have a movie that is supposed to be depressing movie move along at a full on gallop, but I really think this film could have benefited from at least a few scenes where the pace was picked up. At the very least it would have contrasted how bland and boring Schmidt's life was. To that same point, seeing the movie end on at least some kind of upbeat note would have made me feel a little bit better about the whole situation. The final thing I am going to say about this movie is a direct and personal message to Alexander Payne: "Fuck you for ruining my mind! That Kathy Bates nonsense is unforgivable! What gives you the right to ruin people's lives like that? You're not God! (insert crying) You're not God!"

THE VERDICT

    Admittedly this movie was better than I remembered it, but like I said I think that comes with life experience. I still think this film was far too slow and far too depressing to warrant repeated viewings, and believe you me this flick's overall score was hurt terribly by Kathy Bates rolls not being supported and exposed for the whole world to see. The horror... the horror...
 
 

RATING: C

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