Hefe's Review Of: 2012 (2009)

HEFE'S REVIEW OF:
2012 (2009)

OPENING THOUGHTS

If you have ever stayed up late at night trying to decide if you would rather watch John Cusack driving a speeding car as the earth gives way behind him, or would rather watch him take off in an airplane as the earth gives way behind him, then worry no more. Because this movie combines both of those ridiculous scenarios into one convenient package, and as a special free bonus they will do it over, and over, and over, and over again... whether you want them to or not.

ACTING

    JOHN CUSACK seems to have joined into some sort of race with Nicolas Cage to see who can star in the most throw-away action movies in parts that don't require them to even attempt to try anything that could be described as acting. He still has a long, long way to go before he even comes close to catching Cage, but a few more movies like this and I will lose what little respect I have left for Cusack very quickly. It really didn't look like Cusack gave a shit about this film, and I can't say I blame him... well yes I can. If he is going to do a movie just for the paycheck, than he had better at least bring something to the table in the form of emotion. I do however respect the fact that even though the world was literally ending around him, he still remembered to wear his skinny black tie and suit that he likes so damn much.
    CHIWETEL EJIOFOR is way to good of an actor to be in a movie like this. I don't think he got the memo that everyone else in the film seemed to have gotten: "Dear actors, don't worry about displaying emotion, the special effects team will add the drama in digitally in post-production. Sincerely Roland." I really appreciate that he brought at least a little bit of depth to the movie, but it also made me sad in a way to know that it was wasted on a movie as silly as this one.
    WOODY HARRELSON was hilarious in this flick. His character was ridiculous in every way from his stupid accent, to his penchant for eating whole pickles, there wasn't a single thing that he did that would have been allowed if anyone, including the filmmakers, were taking this movie seriously. However, since I gave up on taking this picture seriously after about thirty minutes, he ended up being an enjoyable, albeit silly distraction.

DIRECTION AND SCRIPT

ROLAND EMMERICH has a hard on for destroying shit. First it was famous landmarks in Independence Day, then a whole city in Godzilla, followed by a half the world in The Day After Tomorrow, and finally the entire world in 2012. I wish I could say his movies keep getting better, but that would be a lie, and God hates liars. This movie was nothing but a series of cheesy over done special effects. There was nothing impressive or worth seeing in the entire film, it was just a complete and total ass fuck of a movie.
HAROLD KLOSER and ROLAND EMMERICH seemed to write this movie as an excuse just to show a bunch of cities getting fucked to pieces. I know the opening paragraph of this review sounds like I was joking, but I really wasn't. Most of this movie is literally alternating scenes of John Cusack in a speeding car outrunning the collapsing ground, followed by them taking off in an airplane as the ground collapses. It just keeps happening over and over again, and it becomes less and less impressive as time goes by. If that wasn't bad enough every cliché character and line that you can think of is jammed in around these silly special effects, and just for good measure a whole lot of bad science is tossed in as well to complete what the French call a coup-de-crap.

THE VERDICT

It's bad enough this movie was made at all, but why make the damn thing 158 minutes long? Especially when it is essentially the same three scenes repeated over and over again for about two thirds of the movie. Most big budget disaster movies have a healthy portion of corn-ball in them, but this one has way more cheese in it than s person should consume in a whole month. I can't bring myself to flunk this movie thanks to Chiwetel Ejiofor and Woody Harrelson, but that doesn't mean you should consider watching it.

THIS FILM HAS BEEN RATED

D-	Don't watch this film. There me be a piece of glitter in here, but it's still a pile of shit.

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